Why the Valar do not have Children
by chatnoir1
Summary: A night of card playing goes wrong and Námo, Aulë, Ulmo, Melkor and Irmo find themselves much smaller. Rated T just to be safe


Why the Valar Do Not Have Children

Disclaimer: This is all Tolkien's, who did write the Valar having offspring, in 'Lost Tales', but later changed his mind.

It all began with mushrooms and a card game in Irmo's gardens. At the card game were Irmo, Námo, Ulmo, Melkor and Aulë. Námo was peckish, Ulmo was thirsty and Melkor was cheating, badly. In other words, it was a normal evening. Then Irmo served the mushrooms and some kind of fruit punch. Námo began to feel a bit odd first, he had eaten the most mushrooms.

"Námo, I believe you are shrinking." Irmo looked at his brother in puzzlement.

"We are all shrinking." Námo said, alarmed that he sounded like he had received a vicious kick to the nuts, his normally low tones now high pitched and boyish.

Melkor climbed onto the table and made for Irmo, cursing. Aulë, who being among the largest of the Valar, still had a slight advantage over the others, pulled him back. "I think one of us should go get Manwë." he said as Ulmo went to sit in the fountain, splashing happily.

"I'm not going, he'll think I caused it." Melkor crossed his arms and stuck his lower lip out in a pout.

"I will go." Námo said and headed for Taniquetil. Manwë was on one of his balconies, talking to Thorondor. Unnoticed, he walked up and tugged on Manwë's robes.

Manwë looked down and was startled to see a small child, wait, not a child. Námo. "Why have you taken this form, Námo?"

"We were having our usual evening of cards. Irmo provided refreshments. Now, we are all children."

Manwë felt the first tickle of unease. "How many and whom?"

"Myself, Irmo, Aulë, Ulmo and your brother."

"This is one of Melkor's mischiefs, then?"

"I don't think so." Námo felt two big tears well up and slip from his eyes. "Can you fix this?"

"Go back to the gardens. I will consult with Eru. And try not to be upset." He patted Námo awkwardly on the head and the now tiny Doomsman headed back down the mountain.

Eru, who found it all a bit amusing, suggested that the effects would be only temporary and to let things run their natural course. How long that might take he didn't know. A grumbling Manwë headed for Irmo's gardens. Irmo and Aulë were there, but no sign of Námo, Ulmo and most importantly, Melkor. His brother was not to be trusted in any form.

Irmo was curled up on the grass, his thumb in his mouth. Aulë was smashing stones together and giggling happily."Where are the others, Irmo?"

Irmo took his thumb out of his mouth and yawned. "Námo went to gather fëa, Ulmo went down to the sea and Melkor followed him."

"I will start there then." Eventually, he would have to tell Vairë, Estë and Yavanna about their spouses, but not yet. Maybe it would wear off first. Yeah, and maybe Melkor would start making lots of fluffy little rabbits instead of spiders.

Ulmo and Melkor had settled into a routine. Ulmo would build a sand castle and then Melkor would destroy it and run off. Ulmo would stand there despondently for a moment or two, then begin again. The castle would be finished and Melkor would take his cue and kick it apart. Ulmo grew angry, and he clinched his small fists. The next time, he was ready and he rammed his head into Melkor's midsection, knocking the wind out of him. Then, whistling a happy little tune, he buried him and built a new castle on the spot. He smiled at Manwë as he walked up

"Ulmo. That is a very nice sand castle." Ulmo smiled. "Where is Melkor? Irmo told me followed you." Ulmo smiled wider and Manwë's tickle of unease became a spasm. He looked at the sandcastle and he knew. He started to tear down the castle. Ulmo screamed and went after him, kicking and biting and hitting.

"NO!! No one is gonna tear down any more of my sand castles!!"

"Ulmo. Stop it at once!" Manwë tucked the miniature Lord of the Waters underneath his arm and gave him a light swat, then set him back down, where he lay on the sand, howling and kicking his feet. Manwë unearthed Melkor, who was a little sandy, but none the worse, being immortal.

Melkor glared at Ulmo, who was still in the throes of his tantrum, then looked up at his now frowning and much larger brother. "I didn't do it." he said and coughed.

"Did you knock down Ulmo's sand castles?"

"Maybe."

Ulmo stopped his tantrum, sat up and threw handfuls of wet sand at Melkor. "Liar. He did so do it, Manwë."

"Do not throw sand please Ulmo. Melkor, did you or did you not, ruin Ulmo's sand castles."

Melkor stuck his bottom lip out. "Yes, but.." Melkor started to say that he had been upset at not being asked to join in the fun.

"I don't want to hear it. Apologise. Now."

"I'm sorry I kicked your ugly sand castles down."

Manwë started to say something, then stopped. That was probably about as good an apology as he was going to get from his brother. "Come along both of you, we are going to get Irmo and Aulë and go to Taniquetil. I will leave you there with Varda while I go fetch Námo."

Melkor smiled. He liked Varda, he'd always liked Varda, which had been part of the problem. She'd chosen Manwë over him. Manwë took Ulmo by one hand and Melkor by the other and headed back to Irmo's gardens. He let go of Ulmo and Melkor, picked the sleeping Irmo up and then they set off for Taniquetil.

Varda was emboidering stars on blanket of deepest midnight. She looked up and smiled at Manwë, noticed his small companions and set her needlework aside. Manwë handed Irmo off to her and she looked down at the sleeping Vala of Dreams and Visions. "What has happened?"

"There was some sort of culinary disaster and five of us are now children. Irmo, Aulë, Ulmo, Melkor and Námo. Námo has gone to collect fëa and I need you to watch the other four while I go after him.. Irmo should be no trouble, he will sleep."

Varda looked at the other three: Aulë had already broken one vase, knocked over a table and upset the water pitcher. Ulmo had picked the pitcher up and was conking Melkor in the head with it, while the latter had grabbed one of Varda's needles and was trying to stab Ulmo in the butt. Varda looked at her husband, smiled sweetly and said "You will owe me big time for this Manwë Súlimo."

"Aulë, please sit before you knock over anything else." Manwë grabbed Ulmo with one hand, Melkor with the other and deposited them in opposite corners. "That is enough from both of you. Any further trouble and you will be sent to bed." Muttering to himself, Manwë left.

Varda put Irmo down on a pile of soft blankets. Aulë, sitting on the sofa, cleared his throat. "I'm bored. I don't want to just sit here."

"I know a game you can play. It's called the quiet game. Melkor and Ulmo can play it too. You can see which of you can stay quiet the longest." About that time, Ulmo began to scream loudly.

"That wasn't much of a game." Aulë said disgruntledly.

"SPIDERS!! SPIDERS!! GET THEM OFF OF ME!!!" Ulmo was screaming and jumping up and down. Melkor was smirking. In this form, his powers were limited and he could only produce tiny spiders so he compensated by making a lot of them. They now crawled all over Ulmo. He was still smirking when Varda grabbed his arm and gave him a good swat.

"Call off the spiders, Melkor. Now!"

Sniffling, Melkor called off his spiders and Ulmo stopped screaming. Varda pointed Melkor nose first back into his corner, then led the distraught Ulmo over to the sofa. She got him a glass of cold water.

"Melkor's a meanie, Varda."

"Melkor has always been mean, Ulmo. And he will be staying in that corner until he can play nicely, or until the change is reversed."

Meanwhile, Manwë had caught up with the little Doomsman, who was leading a rather confused group of fëa back to his Halls. "Did you come looking for me? I have a job to do you know, even if I am small. I think these are all of them."

Nienna, who had been waiting to grieve with the newcomers, was so surprised that she forgot to cry. "Námo?"

"Yes, there was an accident and I don't want to talk about it. I will judge when I am more myself. Wagging my finger and saying shame shame bad Elf is just not right." He stomped into his halls and into his inner sanctum. He was pouring a glass of wine when Manwë entered, followed by Nienna and Vairë.

"No wine, Námo." Manwë gently removed the glass from Námo's fingers. Vairë beat him to the bottle and took a long drink, then passed it on to Nienna. "Please do not get drunk Vairë, it plays hell with your weaving."

"My husband is a child, as opposed to his normal childish, Manwë. I consider myself entitled."

"It is only temporary. Try to make the best of it until whatever caused this runs its course. Námo will be back to his usual gloomy adult self soon."

"I am standing right here." Námo folded his arms and glared at them.

"Yes, I see you dear." Vairë gave him a pat on the head. "Thingol loves a good game of chess, why don't you pay him a vist?"

"Fine." Námo said and stomped out. Manwë, Vairë and Nienna finished the wine.

Things had quieted down significantly when Manwë arrived back at Taniquetil. Ulmo and Aulë were drawing, Irmo was still sleeping and Melkor was still in the corner. He looked at Varda, once again embroidering stars, and motioned towards Melkor.

"He made hundreds of tiny spiders and he is in the corner until he can play nice."

"He will be there forever then." Manwë went over and turned Melkor to face him. He could see the tracks of dried tears on his face. He sat in an overstuffed chair and pulled his brother onto his lap. "You can't help it, can you. It is just the way you are and always will be. No more spiders though, agreed?"

Melkor nodded. "May I have some water?"

"You may." Manwë poured a cup of water for Melkor. He drank some of it, then before Manwë was able to prevent it, he ran over and threw the rest of it on Ulmo and Aulë and their charcoal drawings. Then he ran, Aulë and Ulmo after him, Manwë after them all. Melkor found himself backed into a corner, then Manwë had him, tucked under the arm and headed for the bedroom. They entered the bedroom and Manwë kicked the door closed behind them. The heavy door muffled much of what was happening, but enough leaked through for Aulë and Ulmo to know that justice was being served. Varda provided them with fresh, dry parchment and they went back to drawing. Eventually Manwë came back, without Melkor.

"Varda?"

"Yes?"

"The next time I mention how nice it would be to have children, put me under lock and key until the madness has passed."

"Gladly."

By afternoon the following day, all five Vala had returned to adulthood. Yavanna was a little sad about it, as she had enjoyed Aulë's brief childhood. Vairë was relieved. Estë slept through the whole thing. Námo went back to gathering fea and judging, Ulmo returned to his beloved waters, Aulë to his forges, Irmo to his dreams and Melkor to his malicious mischief. For Melkor had never, ever been nice.


End file.
